Tuesday, July 6, 2010

A polite letter to Sep entitled: "How to fix soccer"...

Dear Sep,

Thank you for bringing the beautiful game to our beautiful country in 2010.
We have all had huge fun supporting our teams and generally being massively festive (and a bit crazy) during this incredible event.

Even so, in light of some of the decidedly questionable events surrounding ref decisions during some matches, my mates and I have put together a list of what we feel are innovative, forward-thinking and downright brilliant ideas for you to implement in the sport in future.
We would love for you to take a quick squizz through our (awesome) list of suggestions, and hey who knows - maybe it will sort out some of the niggles that are most likely keeping you up at night...

So without further ado, here goes:
  • Handballs allowed (no grabbing or holding the ball, but pushing or punching it around is fine) - we feel that this would speed up play significantly and allow any player to become a goalie at will!
    Imagine that - a defender finds himself on his goal line with a cracker rocketing in towards his goal (a la Suarez...;) and voila - he can just punch it out.
    No red card, no penalty. It's magic!
  • Boring play should be punished with a combination of red / yellow cards (depending on the level of boredom), e.g. in a prolonged 0-0 battle, the most boring players should be sent off, ending their reign of boredom and reviving excitement in supporters and the other players. Fantastic!
  • Remove the goal keeper altogether. How unfair is it when a brilliant strike is met by some over-dressed gloved-up guy hogging the goal mouth??? GET OUT OF THE WAY MAN!! THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE NET!!
  • Okay okay, maybe that last one was a bit extreme... but at least make it illegal for the keeper to handle the ball. Now that would be cool - just imagine a penalty where the goalie has to use everything but his hands to keep the ball out. This is good stuff man.
  • If players decide that the refs' decisions are repeatedly unacceptable or unfair, they are allowed to take him down right there on the field.
    What's that Mr Ref? A foul? Well now I don't quite agree with you there and *WHAM* right in the spleen.
    New ref please!
  • If FIFA predicts beforehand that a match will be boring, they go straight into a penalty shootout from the get-go. What a way to avoid wasted time and boredom!
Thank you for taking the time to consider our list of (incredible) suggestions above.
As inspiration bites, we will likely add further new rule suggestions and send them over - we trust that you will share our enthusiasm, in the name of improving the sport exponentially.

Yours sincerely,

Hardcore South African Soccer Aficionados Society (HSASAS).
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